I worry.
I have to.
I have to care.
I have to think about the near future and what i will and will not have.
I have to worry when I'm scared for my family and for myself.
I have to worry.
I have to care.
I have to.
That is not my fault.

Blind

I once saw the world through my fingertips...

I saw how life should be lived...

And so when all the world went black...

I could then see.

I am hopping that by the time i am 22 i will be old enough to decide which autumn i would rather be. I don't believe i will become any less of a person if i cry my self to sleep. I don't know who i am but i have a pretty firm grip on who i have chosen the world to be. It makes me wonder sometimes if i am somehow a super hero. To be the one fish in the sea that is in actuality a shark. I am hoping that by the time i am 22 i will know what truth is. I want to be able to say "when we first met". I want to know right now that i will never change my mind. I am hoping that by the time i am 22 i will still know you. When i turn 22 tell me that you love me? Tell the truth because by then i will know. Thank you for the fireworks. I am hoping that when i am 22 i will be with you for the 4th of july and we will watch the fireworks and i wont think there is something wrong. I am hoping that you wont change your mind between now and then. I am hoping that i will be able to ask you if the sky is still blue if the sea is still vast and if the sun still shines, i will be able to ask you to tell me you love me and you will say yes; you wont be lying.

little drops of rain

It was like being held in someone's hand, but they were running so it was like being thrown around.

Every light had a million more and they all blinked and chased after one another. They had tails of light that wiped around and danced along with them.

There was a Ferris wheel that had a face blinking in lights and then the
one face became three faces that spun and spun and wound around and around.

There was laughter but it was under water somewhere far away.
The music was tinkling and dinging,
Da dada da dada dadingding tingaling dada.

Smells everywhere so alien.
Sweet smelling and loud smelling and too full smelling.

Then voices. They were obviously speaking a different language.

Something from a world where clocks are open and you can see the gears working to catch up with time. Time didn't belong here. Time is much too fast for a place like this.

"A Nuf Esouh! Dluow uoy ekil ot nioj em!"
Pink and green carpet was all over; mirrors moved from the inside. They breathed. Judged. This is not a house.

The world started to breathe deeper. It was compressing.
Making things look smaller; making things farther away.

Making the music sink deeper down into the water.

Goodbye music.

We left the circus.

Agust 17th 2009

He is away from me for the first time in about eight days. This needing of a specific someone is the part I don't appreciate. Things are too easy for my own liking at the moment. I used to think about the bomb of black that will eventually come and erase the light from my days again, as it has so many times before. When is it going to strike, and am I ready this time? You're never ready. It's always the thing you least expect to hurt. This ice cube in my chest separating my ribs from one another was meant to have left years ago...It remains. It is a rock. The rock is sprouting a small leaf. I hope it becomes a fern. I will not take it from its self. When I was a kid life was bright. Bright and full of everything I figured I dreamed as a fetus in the womb. Sure there are pieces missing from the times I would rather not remember, but as a whole my life was wonderful. It all came crashing down. I felt it compressing. I felt it start to throb and the reinforcing walls began to bend inward as if I was the black hole swallowing the world that was all of life as I knew it. For a while I felt like I had just made a lapse in judgment and that because of a wrong answer I had given at the dinner table, that my father had left for good and my mother had decided to become someone else. I saw my father cry more and my mother soften less, I decided that the logical explanation was the new place we had moved was a bad place. Unfortunately our next move was lacking in one important ingredient. My dad.

I will admit he makes my world a little brighter. Though I have had trouble being able to see it. Because of course I am always feeling a complication of emotion. So you see....okay I am about to ramble. It won’t sound as concise as Raina's words and it won’t sound quite as deep and meaningful as Lauren's works, but it's the truth or something like it.

I love you, so ha!
I like it when you rant and
I secretly like it when you scream risqué shit at people out your car window.
I can't talk to anyone else really and I am working on trying to talk to you about anything I need
You know so much and you are so steadfast in what you believe, not bias exactly but stronger in your stand than I ever am.
I love your nervous habits except for when you bite your nails...
I am a fucking hypocrite, but that's okay because you are too.
You make me laugh more than anyone in the world.
I really don't have a clue what I'm laughing at because you usually are not that funny.
I really shouldn't post this, but it's a little too late since I already told you.
You are my favorite of all the peppers in the world.
No one has ever brought me flowers before and you picked my favorite ones.
No one has ever felt I deserved less pain then I have had.
No one has ever made it so hard to stop myself from being stupid.
No offense but in my mind I shouldn't trust anyone.
No, not even you.
But I do. I trust you more than I trust me.
No one has ever gone so far out of their way to make me happy in the simplest ways...
I don't want to say this but you made me cry on my secret 4th of July.
I'm scared that I'm not right again and I'm scared that somehow I may not measure up.
I'm afraid of a lot of things actually.
I would move the world for you, if I could that is.
Which is silly...
because I shouldn't miss you from one day to the next,
since I have only known you for a wHile.
I shouldn't be wasting time writing about my girly feelings,
and about how Oh-So-Sexy-My-Love is.
But the truth is that I don't have anything to offer the world really
except my interpretations.
Not much to add the all the wonders of the universe, the progression of life.
Only bullshit HAHAHAHA
Expressions.
Basically anything that comes to mind.
Lately....
it's just been you.
You're my writers block.
I'm far too happy to be an artist and it’s your entire fucking fault.
Besides, you have the perfect smile...and ...other perfect things!!!!!!! ;) ;)
What makes you think you will ever get away!
Muahhahahahaha...
(I hope you can read my sarcasm.)
I tried to be honest,

I really did,

but I’m just too busy fighting crime.

P.S. I love you. You make me happy. I trust you.

I want you, all of you, just you.

FINIS

It's too hard to admit that I never want to lose you because I'm not supposed to want that and it's dumb, and It scares me that it is so important that you know that.

My Dearest Rain ♥

I have yet to complete a single full letter to you, so my news will reach you over the world wide web. I am terrified to know whether you are in the world of the here and now or the world of strife so great it cannot even be named. I fear for you. You are living in that blue world. No longer your own, but a shell of the girl you once were. You fear love! You even fear the interpretation of love itself. Lost in a sea of everyone pressing and pressing and pressing on you for your own love to be crushed out into answers in haste. You are afraid because you need to empty it all from your cupboard of a heart, but you don't have time to sit and open it. My lovely Rain....When will you see that it is all a loss. Non of the pretty little things of life matter if you don't have the pieces to string up all the sparkly infinitesimal stars under the blanket of black. That deep darkness, blackness that slithers into you suffocating you and giving you a new form of oxygen! Seeming like a gift! A gift of self loathing in a wrapping paper all covered in selfishness! The stars...Rain, the stars...The smallest of moments that glows small like a dying ember. But there are millions of moments and millions of stars and so there are millions of embers! If you keep the string and string up all your stars and gather all the embers you have a black sky tattered! Rattled with the dazzling light that you have created! With nothing more than the thinking back and the hoping forward to when all those little embers will be a roaring raging fire and you can say you love as thou wilt. Don't lose the sting of regret, the pain of lost love, the delirium of indecisive thoughts, only let them be a reminder that you are here and you are now. You are one of my stars in the blackness, so brilliant.
~Autumn

It is a sad thing to follow blindly something you love. Yet that is what makes it so sweet...so exciting! The risk. The only risk of living is death. Don't say you are not afraid. What do you fear in trying to become something you wish! what is it that scares you so much from becoming who you are! Becoming is the closest action to raw existence that can be observed. Faith is an interesting parasite. History give example of women and men being pulled apart by horses for faith, for love. Mothers killing their own children rather than give them up. Fathers fighting their own sons and brothers for a piece of glory. No matter how many times we read and watch and know that death has followed the faithful, the reverent, the blind, we each of us has our faith. We fall in love, pray, study and worship. It becomes us. It becomes and exists.

My last three blogs have been rather depressing. My apologies. I think that it would do my worlds of good to showcase that there are actual people behind the pretty butterfly picture at the top and that we do actually have lives.
Last night I didn't sleep for I had an amazing inspiration to actually sketch a real person. Unfortunately for me, it was five a.m. and there were, obviously, less than crowds of people to sketch. So I went through my old old old phone that is in the depths of my room and sketched everyone I could muster the talent to draw. I then proceeded to fall asleep at about ten in the A M. I woke up to find my father standing over my little nest in the living room, with a slitghtly amused look upon his face.
"Are you a cat?" He asked.
"No. I'm a no sleep."
"What is that?"
"I meant I got no sleep."
"Oh I see.Were you trying to reproduce your friends and lover in a new black realm?"
"No. I was trying to reproduce my friends so that i could have a conversation with the lot of them, but they were all too tired."
I got up to look in the mirror. I had black lines of charcoal on my face like cat whiskers and my hands were covered in black. I had black on my shirt and black on my pants. My lover walked in he door.
" You drew me?"
"uh...yes."
*thank you*

*i love you*